Bloggity-Blog (On an End and a Beginning)

The past couple months have been a blur.

Ever since I got laid off from my job, things have been crazy. I haven't really operated according to any schedule or routine since then, and I can't say that I mind. I like not having a routine. I like not having a schedule. I like not knowing what's going to happen at any given time of the day. I like being able to just pick up and go at a moment's notice. I like my freedom.

My time over the last few months has been split mainly between four places: My apartment, my parent's house in Ohio, my buddies' dorm, and a sod field in the middle of nowhere Virginia. Thankfully, the sod field has provided me with enough work to get by, feed myself, and pay my bills. Just barely. I guess that's the disadvantage of having that kind of "freedom" - the lack of a steady paycheck. But when I think about it, I don't need that much. There's not a whole lot that I want. I could keep on living like I am living for the rest of my life and I would be fine. I don't need to be rich. I have everything I need.

This is a strange time of year. I graduated from college almost exactly one year ago, but I feel like I've been in college this year, in a good way. I've gotten to hang out with my friends on campus, at their dorm, and basically live the college life without having classes. This year has held more than it's share of frustrations, but most of those are coming to a close. The only problem is that I'm moving pretty much permanently back to Ohio, and I won't be around much next year. My friend Bill remarked the other day about how he hates this time of year, and I can't say I blame him.

I was watching a documentary the other day, about a band and their tour, and one of the guys on the video made this statement, which I will summarize:

Things are never going to be the same again. Whenever a group of people get together and hang out, there's a certain vibe that is created. We've been going on the same vibe together for so long, but after right now, it's never going to be the same. The vibe right now is good, and even though you'll see each other again and hang out again and there will be a new vibe, and that vibe will be good too, it will never be the same as the vibe that is right now. Things will never be the same.

I found this to be pretty relevant. I can't say I'm thrilled about leaving Virginia, but I'm not dreading going home either. I am kind of tired of being split between two places, and it seems that for five years my heart has been both with my family in Ohio and with all my friends in Virginia. While this is a good problem to have, it wears on you after awhile. I miss my siblings and my parents and the handful of friends I have at home when I'm in VA, but I miss all my friends something fierce when I'm in Ohio. And there's no way to reconcile the two.

I guess I have to finally face the fact that college is over, that I have to move on, that I have to go onto the next thing in my life, whatever that may be. I have to start paying off the mountain of debt I have incurred from going to college. I have supported myself for a year, so that's not a problem, but now I have to step it up a notch.

And when I think about what's ahead of me - a world of finances, of 401ks, of retirement plans, of salaries and benefits and insurance and bank loans and payments and stock portfolios - of all this stuff that I'm supposed to care about - it depresses me. Is this what life is? Am I suppose to care about these things? Because I don't. And because I don't, I feel like somehow I'm less of an adult, like I'm not responsible, not capable, not a man.

I know that's not true. I am responsible, I am capable, I am an adult. But I just don't care about all these things that the world is telling me are supposed to be my priorities.

My priorities are the people in my life. And a distant second, are the things I want to do. I want to write and publish. I want to record music. If God sees fit to bless me by allowing me to make a living by doing these things eventually, I will be thrilled. But the vast majority of people will simply see these things as silly hobbies, pasttimes of a wayward young man.

That's okay. I would rather live my life with passion and love than working towards a retirement plan.

The worst part about this is that I have to say goodbye to my friends, some of which, no matter how much we say to the contrary, I will never see again. And even if I do, it will never be the same.