Men and Women: Vol. I (On Marriage)

I begin writing with somewhat of a heavy heart. Perhaps this is the price I pay for attempting, through writing, to ease the weight that burdens my mind. This post has been a long time in the making.

Over the last year or so, I think Satan has been systematically attacking my hopes for marriage, love, and a relationship with the godly woman that I so hope for. Suffice it to say, I’m a romantic sort of man, which makes this attack all the harder. It seems like I’ve heard things from everywhere and everything about the negativity of marriage. Here are some examples:

“Give them the hips, not the heart.”

“Don’t get married. You’re young, and it’s not worth it.” This from a young woman not four years my senior.

“Marriage will make you miserable.”

You get the idea.

Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared of being alone, but because of what I see and hear, I’m equally afraid of getting married. I hear people talk about how they’re uncomfortable being in the same house alone with their spouses, after however many years of marriage. I hear people say they need a “buffer” in between themselves and their spouses. I see men become hard, unaffectionate stones, and I see women become cold and bitter shells. And I ask myself, is this what marriage is like? Marriage shouldn’t be like this . . . should it?

In the words of my good friend, “This is why I think it might not be so bad to not get married, because it would probably make me miserable anyway.”

Then I find myself sad and despairing about my future, and my long term interaction with the opposite-sex. The more I hear, the less marriage seems like the beautiful union of two people becoming one, and the more it seems like two miserable, completely separate individuals living under the same roof.

And so, I have been wondering for a long time exactly what has been the root cause of this. Why is marriage, a holy gift from God, in such a fallen state, to the point where more than half of the couples who get married end up getting a divorce? I may have found an answer.

Satan has not only been systematically attacking my view of marriage (something I’m sure he knows is a soft spot of mine), but he has also, for years and decades, through trends and movements within society, been systematically attacking and breaking down the roles of men and women in relationships. Particularly, in marriages.

Through the rising trend of individualism, and the older trend of feminism, women have been told that anything men can do, they can do (better). They can be CEOs of major corporations. They can be major leaders within the church. Men and women in many realms are on a level playing field. These things, in and of themselves, are not problems. The problem comes when women try to fill roles for which they were not designed and were never meant to fill.

I speak of relationships. I speak of marriage.

The Bible defines the roles of men and women in marriage in this way:

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior . . . Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . . For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh . . . Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

I believe there is a mutual failure of filling these roles, both on the part of men, and on the part of women, that has led to the current state of marriage.

Women have become unleadable. Filled with an air of self-entitlement and empowerment, many women have assumed the role of leader in every area of their lives. Women don’t know how to submit anymore. And you can’t lead someone who refuses to follow.

Further than that, when men attempt to lead, women revert to an old standby: manipulation. I hear snide remarks all the time from married men about how wives run everything in marriages, however subtle it may be. I observe things, and I find this to be true, many times. If women want to, they can make your life miserable. If you don’t lead the way they WANT you to lead, they’ll find a way. They’ll cut you down with words, exploiting your weak points, giving your weaknesses as an example of why you’re not a good leader. This is NOT respect. This is NOT mutual cooperation. The Bible calls that malice, and it’s sin. The one thing men crave over any other is to be respected by their women. It’s in the Bible. What is God’s one commandment to women? Submit. Respect. Women treat men like this, then wonder why there are so many emotionless jerks, so many men who are disillusioned about marriage and love and relationships. They wonder why men treat women likes pieces of meat. And the answer is, many men think that that is the best they can hope for.

This level of disrespect women have for men leaves men feeling downtrodden, and women feeling like there are just not any men good enough to lead them (This ties into another blog I intend to write, forthcoming, about expectations…should be up within a few days, because all of this is related). So women continue to attempt to lead, and wonder why things went wrong when their men turn sour.

Women were never meant to lead.

I do not place all the blame on women. Doubtless there will be many women who say "We wouldn't have to lead if men were doing their jobs." They would be correct. This is another way Satan is trying to skew the roles of men and women. Men are to blame, because in a large part men today are not pursuing God, and when you don’t pursue God, you can’t have a good sense of how to lead someone else in a relationship as delicate as marriage. Men need to stand up and take back their position as the leaders of the women, the heads of the household, and sadly this is a value that is significantly absent among the rising generation of young men. Again, our roles as men and women are under attack, and the skewed perspectives resulting from this attack have marred our capacity for true, meaningful, godly relationships.

On a personal note, I do not claim myself to be the master of leadership. In fact, I have been accused of being a poor leader (one of the things that led to this thought process, and thus, the blog you read now). While I think this accusation was unfounded, I do believe it hit upon something that is behind the scenes in modern American society, particularly within the realm of the church (Also a subject that will be discussed in the blog concerning expectations). While I am not everything I should be as a man (yet), who is? I don’t expect my future wife to be the purest, sterling example of a submissive godly woman. But I do expect her to strive toward that end, and respect me in the process. Just as I expect myself to strive to be a better leader for her, to treat her the way Christ has treated me, with unconditional and unwavering love.

And for all the attacks, I would just like to say that they HAVE NOT BROUGHT ME DOWN. So Satan, you can keep trying, but suck it. My wife is out there somewhere, and I will not give up hope. I will die alone before I settle. I will not give in to whatever depths of despair you are trying to cast me into. I believe marriage still can and will be a beautiful, wonderful, God-honoring (and difficult) thing. I’m willing to give it my best shot.

-a.

*I would be remiss if I failed to mention Sir Bill Monthie, who helped capture my thoughts, and whose words I have used here. Despite what you may think (or he may think) he holds some great wisdom within him. You can, and should, find his blog here: http://www.deckerintheface.blogspot.com/